I am still inlove with him
yes, with Rainer ~ my long time boyfriend.
I still don't know if we're still together.
Ever since that stupid fight
he hasn't been mailing me for the past 3 days
actually, this will be the fourth day
and I miss him!
I miss his "I love you's", "I miss you's" everything!
(No kiddin' but I'm really crying right know while typing this.)
I even miss his crazy siren mitai voice.
I was so stupid!
Yeah.. because of my stubborness and false suspicions
I just lost the guy I wanna be with.
Because of my stupid childish acts,
maybe he has finally come to his senses
that he really doesn't want to be with me.

I just knew that long distance relationships won't work.
I just knew that If I come here to Japan
he will never change.
He'll still be a liar and a conniving asshole
and me thinking about him having someone new to his life
makes me want to cry plus kill them both.
I still love him even though I have trust problems with him
and I'm willing to work things out with him
as long as he won't play me for a fool.

But somehow.. I'm kinda' confuse
especially now that my long time crush
has been giving me some signs..
I don't know what I really want now.
But, I know I miss him
and I do love him
but I'm not sure
if he loves me because he does
or just because I'm here in Japan.
(You get the point.)

I wanna talk to him though
but I don't want to make the first move..
If he really cares about me
and if he really loves me
he'll figure out a way to talk to me, right?!