This is actually going to be a long one.. don't bother reading if you don't like long, sad, depressing and confusing posts but, yeah.. this is going to be it.

Remember my blog where I said I was going to make him an obento? Well.. I gave it to him yesterday.. and here's a picture of it.

I am aware I gave it to him at a wrong time.. because, a lot of people were in the canteen when I handed it to him, but that's because I haven't got the time to talk to him when we're at our kyuke.. like, at the tobacco no tokoro, I am meaning to talk to him but guys just keep popping out and we haven't got the time to be alone so sucks.. I gave it to him with all of 'em staring.. (I don't want to give it to him infront of many people because they know he already has a gf and me giving him a lunch box will give 'em a wrong idea.. I know it was wrong, but it was done.. and it can't be undone.)

So, he was kinda infront of me while eating the lunch I gave him.. and you don't know how much joy I felt at that moment.. and he ate everything! So omg, after eating he handed me the empty lunch box, and whispered it was really good. AND I WAS SO HAPPY and the feeling is just undescribable.. it was an amazing feeling.. so fast forward.

At the tobacco no tokoro, I saw him talking with my friend, I heard him say wrong timing, and when I got there he is almost done smoking, so.. I never had a chance to chat with him, but he did tell my friend this, he said.. me giving him that lunch is so in a wrong timing aaand he felt kinda bad because he already has a gf and I wanted to cry at that moment, but I just can't and I don't wanna cry at all.. I don't want my friend thinking I'm such a crybaby when they already think I'm still just a kid 'coz of my actions.

So while working, I saw him all alone doing work stuff and I went closer and told him I was sorry for what had happened and he said it was fine, I also told him this, 'You already have a gf right? I'm really sorry..' but he said kinikushitenakuteiiyo (means.. don't think about it) aaand I told my friend about it and she said, why did he say that?! (I think it means something to them japanese) 'Coz she said, it's like I have this tama tama chance because even though he has a girl.. he is still giving me some kind of chance to like him or I dunno.. I can't tell.

But what I don't understand is this.. is that sometimes, he makes me feel like he likes me, but sometimes.. he is giving me some kinda hint to not like him. I know, it's REALLY CONFUSING! HE IS CONFUSING, I can't read him at all.. 'coz there's this time, where I told him I bought his lunch I made for him, he can't even speak right at that moment when I asked him if he bought any lunch 'coz I made something for him (and I know it's no surprise for him, 'coz my friend already told him) and we we're just talking but why the need to come close to me like, you know.. it's different.. and why do I keep seeing him staring at me.. we had eye contact, and when I looked away, he stared at me still but eventually looked away too. WHY?! And what I don't understand is that sometimes, he would be giving some kinda reason for me to not like him, 'coz at the tobacco no tokoro, me, him and two of my co-workers/friends were talking about shunin and he's like, shunin is too majime (serious/focused) and asked me if I like majime people, I said no because they're no fun.. then he went like, he is a majime type of person, like wtf?!?! I know he is majime when it comes to work, but he is not majime like super serious at all.. HE IS FUN and even though he's our leader.. he isn't strict like other bosses would be, I can even talk to him which is a surprise but WHY?!

WHY BE SO CONFUSING?! Should I just ignore you or just.. I can't even be myself when you're around because everytime you're there, being mature and a grown up is just all in my mind, just for you to like me. OMG what is happening to me?!?!

I really really like him, I may even love him, just knowing him for almost a month.. but, it sucks to know that he feels nothing for me.. or if he has any feelings for me, I'm sure it's just pity just so he couldn't hurt me.. I'm so fucking depressed, I wanna go blonde! Fuck love!!!